In My Words

I give my life to you
Readers of my soul
My words
My treasures
That sparkle and shine
Through the darkness of my tears
The sadness and all my fears
That lay behind the locked doors
In the labyrinth of my heart
The key has been lost and forgotten
The thoughts that form
The emotions that spill across my page
Bearing it all for you to see
Exposing my guilty pleasure
My fallen plans
My words that skip along
To the beat of my heart
Putting a meaning behind the feeling
Looking through a window
Telling a story
Filling in the blanks
Sometimes its looking so much like a mess
Stringing the thoughts together
In a mad romance
My heart and mind so close
Yet drifting further apart
Unable to keep the connection
Blending and forming a relationship
Unlike anything I've felt
Pulling myself inside out
To discover the lines that hide
So deep behind my eyes
The despair that keeps life in motion
Waiting for something to come full circle
To radiate comfort
To understand why smiles can hurt
And tears can be happy
Why is nothing what it seems
In the void comes a light
The words that give meaning to my voice
They give me power
When I am helpless
They piece me back together
Wanting nothing more in return
Than to be heard
They ease the longing that burns within
My words have a heart and soul of their own
Melting into mine
We've become one

The Past

My heart slices
Smooth as razors edge
My words strike
No thought of regret
No feeling of sorrow
For the friends I've lost
Or lovers I have hurt
The truth will set me free
I don't linger in the past
If I stand still I am bound
To have the memories
Catch up to me
The feelings should live there
In the past where they were left
Clinging to my coat tail
I never look over my shoulder
It would take pieces of me
I harden my heart
All the years of pain
The abuse of three simple words
That always complicate
The trust I gave so freely
Naive to the reality of it all
That sticks and stone can break your heart
And words you cannot ever take back
No matter how many times you say your sorry
The emptiness paints a picture
Of someone with no heart
Cold and frozen over
The blood still pumps
For no other reason than to stay alive
I breathe in I breath out
I find solace in being on my own
So I can not longer be infected
By those I thought I knew
I don't believe in lies
But they seem to be there all the time
Feeling can shatter a home
Can breed regret
I can pretend very well
But prefer to rebuild alone
The only one I can completely trust
Has always laid within me

In Motion

I only think of you when I feel the pain
from missing you
When my heart feels broken
And I feel so plain
Like I hold nothing special
Since you've gone away
The nights are darker
The days feel the same
I wonder around aimless
I feel the shame of the empty spaces
Where you once belonged
I pushed you till you fell apart
Desperate for space
I waited caught up in the dreams
You always seemed to promise
But unable to come through
When I needed you most
Its for the best they all say
And maybe it is
But it doesn't change the way I feel
Or make this pain any less real
I've salvaged what was left of my heart
Packed my bags
To wave goodbye to someone
That was never as honest as they said
I'll work out this mess in my own time
Iron out the wrinkles you left on my heart
Your silence speaks volumes
I can no longer let you value my self worth
It was mistake to allow you that privilege
The abuser of time
The killer of dreams
But without you I am a blank canvas
Waiting for the colors of life to paint my horizon
There is limitless possibilities
But only one for someone like you
Sentence to walk alone
In foot steps of others
Who could not open up and love another
For those who have taken and never given
My life is constantly in motion
Moving forward
Moving on

Writer

Making my dreams come true,
Can be a true nightmare
Being a writer I feel bound to my thoughts
Sleepless nights on edge
The words echoing in my head
Shackling myself to the past
Worried if the future will bring
The one thing that wakes me in the night
Reaching for a pen a paper
Before the thoughts have been lost
The torture of paying attention to others
While the words run wild in my head
I lie to myself that I will give it up in time
But its a part of who I am
The piece that fits and makes me whole
It puts meaning to the things that seem so confusing
Its hard to bare my soul when I stand alone
But my paper doesn't judge
It absorbs my words and eases the fear
Helps me to stand proud of that part of me
I secretly was in the comfort of my mind
Not everyone will understand the yearning I have
To place my feelings into words
Exposing my biggest fears and flaws
For others to see and have opinions on
Poems are the stories of my heart
The colors I paint my life with
May seem bleak and may be misunderstood
Others read what they want to see
Opinions don't change how I feel inside
So writing I will continue to do
As long is there is breathe
And life flows to these hands
I will express what comes to mind
Whether it reaches anyone at all or not
I refuse to put my dreams in a closet
Locked up tight to please others
Its like a missing piece to a puzzle
Take me for everything I am
If you can handle the truth I tell
I am hard enough on myself
My biggest critic
Always reaching for some new accomplishment
But this is just who I am
I am a writer from my heart to my soul
It is who makes me feel one hundred percent whole

Cannot Change Me

I hide the answers
You desperately seek
The power struggle continues
Positioning myself for the win
I look down from my tower
Built from the broken hearts
Of past lovers
I can only hope you get bored
That you'll forget and leave
The questions you ask
Are ones I've spent time covering
I will do anything to avoid
The judgement your eyes hold
You think I may eventually crack
That no one can remain this strong forever
But that's what others have said
Challenging the promises I've made to myself
I have given myself this power
By holding the secrets that are tied to my heart
To myself I am always true
Since no one else gave that to me
When I was mistreated and lied to
I reach for another to fill their space
But those vanished too
Leaving me without a trace
Maybe it was me trusting to easily
I will never be a damsel in distress
Putting my fate in a prince that may never come
I've been sappy love sick
Its never done me any good
Clouding my judgement
Instead of seeing the things they were not
I have been my own savior
I have wiped my tears
And picked myself up walked away
When everything was lost
But the small glimmer of hope
That someone else could love me
That they would never lie or leave me alone
But in the end it was only just me
So if you think this is just an act
You will sadly be mistaken
When you realize you can't change me
So I will stay hidden
Away from your magnifying glass
Where I can finally feel free
From the worry of anyone else leaving me

Ticking Time

The clocks been ticking down
From the moment I was born
I've always been a touch of a dreamer
Imagining there would always be time
To start this life over
To change the winds direction
I've been busy floating along
Going with the current
That gently pulls me away
While others have planned
Out the future
That I am unable to look forward to
Stuck inside myself
Willing the words to rise
Hoping they won't complicate
Whats been felt
I've been floating
Off in the atmosphere
Waiting for a lifeline
To bring me back in
To realize the world will spin
Even after I have gone
That I am just a speck
In a moment in time
Waiting to be uncovered
Among the rest
As the dust settles
My heart is busy pulling me
In any direction but the right one
Since the day I discovered
I  am powerless to these thoughts
That retrace my last steps
They lead me away
From the me I used to be
Waking in a foreign country
Unable to speak or understand
A single word
I am more than this skin
That I feel buried in
Misunderstood and confused
for someone else
That I could never really be
Yes there is way more to me
And this is not the end

A New Home

Maybe I've been wrong
For always thinking I was right
I waited for you to walk away
To make sure mine was the last word
Just so I could say I was the winner
I was to busy to realize I was on the loosing end
I push buttons
When I ought to give up and give in
I push till there is no room left
I know I'm flawed
From wearing my heart upon my sleeve
For so long, I let others dictate my feelings
That I've masked the true me
When you loved me it was the part
That you saw, only in glimpses
I never fail to make a scene
But when I'm loving
You know its all been just a front
The strength you carry
is something that I truly admire
The reality should have set in by now
That you wish to stay
When all I've done is push
And run away
I've put you through hell
And with every test I have failed
But you keep coming back
When I'm scared and don't know what to do
I find myself turning to you
Maybe this does mean you've won
The heart that once was made of stone
Beats once again
And calls to you
Its new home
Where the old meets the new
Giving me hope that yesterday is over
And today has just begun

YesterYear

Trying to protect my heart
While time passes
And I strain to focus on the good
That this world may yet hold for me
If tears were money
I'd be a millionaire
I could wish we never met
I would have never known the joys
I always felt with you
Even though you are no longer here
The memories we shared
The moments you made me feel you cared
The bittersweet songs
That remind me of the stories we would tell
You gave me the words of wisdom
The strength to move on
But I don't see you today
Your memories they fade
No matter the imprint you made
On my youthful heart
Your voice like white noise
As you drift on
Past the pain of everyday life
I knew you
In a life that went before
When things were simple
A time nights were what we lived for
Standing by the fire
Plastic cups in one hand
Your in the other
Friends we were sure would last
Making the most of the time we had
Skipping class
Seeing how far we could
go on a single tank of gas
Who knew how quick
the time would come to pass
I wear smile
I swear I won't forget
I see you in the those familiar places
All the streets where we roamed
Convinced it would never end
But it fizzled out
And everyone went their separate ways
Raising families and moving away
All except you
We said our goodbye forever

I Do

There was a moment that I hesitated
Only flashes of us, and all we could be
From just that one kiss
You took my hand and told me
I do, understand the connection
And hoped it would always stay
As time passed
Our lives threw us through a loop
Handing us more than
We thought we could carry
Struggling to make it out
Afraid it was a tidal wave
That may take us under
I woke up to you
Close to me with a ring
And I told you
I do, Take you for all that you make me
For all the things you see possible in me
The days seem to blend
The next thing I know
You've become my best friend
But life has had its fair share of hardship
We've been dealt with our own sorrow
But you were there
At my weakest point
When I wasn't a me we could recognize
We've learned that each breathe is a blessing
That we've created life
And its been given more than it was taken
You've held my hand
Telling me everything will be fine
You told me
I do, want to be the kind of man you can be proud of
The father my children can rely on
Even after all this time has past
The promises you make stick
No matter how hard
How close or far
We struggle to stay connected
But we keep plugging along
doing our best
hoping for the best outcome
I just needed you to hear
I do, want to finish growing old with
That our book isn't over
And with every chapter we grow closer

Just A Dream

The dreams they come to me
Bold and creative they drift
In and out of conciseness
I hear them calling my name
Pulling the strings of my heart
To a place unknown to me
But I feel the happiness lays there
It surrounds me
Carries me away
The pieces I have been missing
There they wait for me
Falling into place
Freedom of possibility
Send me deeper
Into believing
I am not where I belong
That the chances I saw passing me by
Lay just beyond the next hill
Taking me closer
To whats suppose to be mine
These dreams open my eyes
To what could have been
And what could still be
Grab a bag
Buy a ticket
Catch that plane
To your next home
Will I take that leap
Will I make that connection
In dreams anything is possible
Its where I live out the life
I always hoped for
I count the hours
Till my head meets up with them again
The intensity grows
The yearning breeds resentment
I grow impatient waiting for my time
For everything I have dreamt over a lifetime
To finally come true
Everything happens for a reason?
My body remains here
While my mind wonders
Back to those dreams
The ones that break my heart
For I know I must stay
That I cannot go
So they remain just what they are
Just dreams....that have fallen apart
Drifted out of my sight
Replaced with another plan
Replaced with some Else's needs
They were just my dreams
Slipped away or so it seems....

useLESS

Roaming freely
Weary of what lays ahead
Trusting to easily
In the things that seem to disappear
Lazily they fall
Exposing them all
For what they didn't appear to be
Another fight song
Living in a soundtrack
Another tearful love duet
To remind me of our regret
While time slips by
I look to you
With the questions of why
We take, we give
A bad name to the intimacy we felt
Words of war
Words spoken in lust
Either way they tear us down
Leaving us betrayed
I walked into the wrong door
Making a connection
That would soon enough
Lead to the undoing
Of everything I have built
Unknowingly paving the path
For the damaging effect
Of loving someone like you
Maybe my mistake
For trusting the words you said
Thinking feeling like those
Could spread
But we both knew
There would be no happy ending
And we just played pretend
For a moment in time
it was just what I needed
Its hard to regret
Only sorry I let my guard down
And let you effect me in certain ways
We closed down this tiny bar
Then I let you bring me into your world
I'm your favorite pawn
In this game we play
Who knew it could eventually lead to this

What You Need To Hear

I thought I knew you
Hiding from the truth
The lies they are buried deep
All the things you wish to hide
You can try to wish the mistakes away
Cover them up the best you can
The imperfection
Are what you make them out to be
You forget the words
You speak only what lays in between
Near or far
Scared of what the future holds for you
So you sit idly time stands still
Waiting for you to answer the call
You could go anywhere
Be anything
But you choose to bow out
Hiding away
The treasures you keep
Only to yourself
While others envy what you hold
You can be more than what you appear to be
But you have chosen to have a painted face
Just treading water
Just trying to keep up with the pace
That everyone has set for you
You say you've been hardened
Feelings your unsure you can repeat
How can you go on?
When so much has been lost
Your to busy asking why me
Pity yourself
Take it up a notch
Step outdoors
Out of your comfort zone
Try to be something you have always wanted to be
Try something you've only wished you could do
At some point you have to get yourself a clue
And see how beautiful you are
Everyone sees it
If only you saw what they do
The life you could be living
The life you could be loving
Appreciating all those little moments
Instead of taking them for granted
All the things you could be embracing
Instead of pushing away
You let the depression sink you
The depth of sadness drags you under
If you could only see your life is worth saving
That the sun shines on another day
Even when your eyes remain closed
These words vibrate through me
As the you, I am talking to is really me

Without a Trace

The barriers stand tall
Bracing for the impact
My rage surfaces
And fades
I can't fake what I can't pretend
The happiness swells
Leaving me breathless when it leaves
Emptiness is cold
Shivering, waiting for the release
I lack, but still I remain faithful
In this life
The tracks have been laid
So tired of my place
Afraid I will end without a trace
Owning up to words
So hard
When the time has already been spent
Apologies for mistakes
Guilt and regret fill the cracks
Over time there have been plenty
Words have broken and frayed my edges
I hush my insecurities
While they run over
Buried inside my head
To empty to sleep
To heavy to awaken
Lost in a world somewhere in between
I still remember wishing days away
Just to get to night so I can dream
But now it reminds me to much
Of the person I used to be
And all the pieces I let go
That I have hidden and forgotten
Sadly I admit  the time has pasted
In the corner they are brushed
Forever waiting for a tomorrow
That might never be found
I feel the weight crushing me
And so I carry through another day
My shoulders hang a little lower
My movements become slower
I burn low till I am I am no longer
Able to carry out this game
I drop this load
Waiting for it to start all over again

Starting Anew

Leaving the past behind
Looking for a place to start
Keeping mind open
Trying to be smart
Making sure I stay on track
Looking forward instead of back
Its like I was once lost
Laying crowded amongst all this mess
Things that were tossed aside
Clouded by the past
I carry the weight
The shadows have left behind
Its time to bury
Whats been holding on tight
Leaving me breathless
Tearing me at the seams
So easy to say
So hard to carry through
But my day is new
The outlook couldn't be more promising
My confidence in myself
Although wavering
Its there shinning through
My smile begins to beam with pride
I'm making a comeback
Proving to myself I'm worth
All the things others said I wasn't
Keeping myself centered
When everything is confused
For things that don't fit into place
I stumbled, I've fallen to my knees
I managed to keep walking
After all this time
The road has been full of bad luck
Still I keep pushing for something better

When Time Expires

In the blink of an eye
Its over and done
The places we've been
Turned into to dust
Just a flash
The memories fly by
Crumbling away
They rust and fall
Not forgiven by time
Our innocents lost
Our love over rated
Judged for the things we weren't
Accomplishing so much
Fizzling, burning out
How this is not a shock
We torture out past
Picking it apart
Looking for any reason
To erase it
To rewrite it
The logic is confused
For something it is not
Moving forth
An option not taken
And often forgotten
But it separates us
From those who linger there
And those who learn and grow
We make mistakes
We embrace forgiveness
Always counting the ways
To make things right
When lies leave us behind
Placing blame
On others weakness
Taking advantage
When someones lost their way
Just to be someones Savior
To be at your feet
On bended knees
This is what we've come to
How will your picture be painted
When time expires?

Just For Me

Falling in again
Getting carried away
Feet glued in place
Hands remain steady
Pushing the divider
Till it shatters
Talking till someone hears
The words make sense
Even when spoken out of place
Creativity spills
Over flowing
Tired of holding back
Hanging on by a thread
For most days
Passing by
Dangling by a fingertip
I choose to get up
While moving forward
I will believe
In everything that makes me
My poker face
Shows no fear
Of the lines unwritten
The tales yet to be told
Wishes I blow away
Hoping they find
Their way back to me
Making my dreams come true
Turns to nightmares
When you fall short
Of the finish line
The weight of failure
Holds tight to your heart
Embraces the pain that lingers on
And still I live in this hollowed form
That once embodied me at my finest hour
There was a time I didn't have to pretend
The doors weren't closed
The sunlight shined bright
Through curtains of sheer
Making things clear
A light shined its way
Just for me

And We Danced

Its like an old song
On an old jukebox
Skipping in time
We two step
On an empty dance floor
We pretend the time hasn't passed
No change in the scenery
Just those same brown eyes
Starring back like before
We'll blink the song will be over
Life will continue
Without missing a beat
Our bodies move together
Across the open tiles
Pressed together like one
The raspy speakers
Crackle familiar melodies
We try and recreate
All those tender memories
Before the years have emptied us
Holding steady
Trying not to slip apart
From the us that was here
So many years ago
New lovers
A fresh new start
Now trying to out run the past
That keeps us from moving forward
But we dance tonight
Slowly sliding our feet
Over the familiar dance floor
My head rest on your shoulder
Your hands cradle me
We sway putting the song on repeat
Making sure we don't miss a beat

Forgotten Spaces

My mind a curse
The words pulling
at my mouth
Trying to escape
The circle of my madness
My heart a burden
It feels the the things
That slip in between
Seeping in to the cracks
Planting the roots of doubt
Even trees can grow
In concrete jungles
This heart made of stone
Over years of being abused
A mind being misused
Not pushing myself
To my full abilities
Floating through a lifetime
Looking for a change
With eyes closed
Mistakes leave their stamps
As if I'm a passport
While my soul flies
My feet have never the ground
I have been lucky to have all this love
It surrounds
But unable to penetrate the walls I've built
My mind like a fortress
That's overflowing with the lines
That are connect it to my heart
I think so I am
I know so I fell
Alone, shun from my very own life
No one feels the words that flow
Raging waters that pour
Sending me out to open waters
Forcing me out of my comfort zone
I don't give up
I shut down
When confronted with my own insecurities
No balance of reassurance and confidence
I hang out in the middle
Somewhere lost in the forgotten spaces
Waiting for some to discover
All my possibilities

I

I fell from my grace
Never a picture of a lady
If I was angel
My halo would hang crooked
I don't make excuses
I behave the way that makes me happiest
Sorry if it offends
I dance in shade
Dipping on and off the edge
Tiptoe I spin
Least expected to carry my own
Fearless is a bluff
I've never been one
To hurt others for sport
I've been someones first
I've been someones last
Love can feel like a punishment
Giving so much
Expecting nothing in return
Its an outrageous game we play
You pull
You push
Trying to figure out where we belong
Trying to fit the pegs in the right slot
I've dreamt so many dreams
Its taken over my reality
I've never been crowned queen of anything
Proper I am not
I speak of things you wish not to hear
I speak of the truth
Pinning down all your fears
My manners are subtle
And often delayed
Expectations weave through me
Holding my odds and ends together
Its gets hard to remain faithful
To the me I am suppose to be
Looping the threads that hold
My existence together
I drift from my favorite part of me
Afraid I will drown
In the sea of followers
Shading my eyes from the truth
Of where I belong
I have accepted who I am
Why is so hard for others to
I stand proud
While others hide behind covers
Only to point out others flaws
And short comings
I live in a bubble of contradiction
Without a direction
I carry on

Time Swings On

The pendulum swings back and forth
Ticking on it speaks to me
Asking me to make choices
Telling me to follow dreams
Tangled and tortured
My heart sighs
Regrets of paths not chosen
Mind shutting down
Mapping new routes
Muscles ache
From paving new roads
Lines intersect
Complication take the lead
Walking backwards
When all I want to do is move forward
Not exactly physically stuck
Mentally unable to recount
The days I've laughed
That I've felt free
From my own personal burden
I focus on the light
That flickers at the end of the tunnel
Moving forth
I set sail
Taking a new direction
Its never about what I can't have
But what I am hiding
Letting it rest beneath the surface
Afraid of the outcome
When I finally pull the trigger
Exposing the truthful me
The words that blend
Into the very soul and heart of me
Another place and time
I would have had the space
To let my imagination run free
Tackling the dreams
Making them all come true
The time has become short
The space remains small
Closing in
Images fading
Making space for someone Else's needs
Selfish I no longer am
And the tole I have paid

Waiting For You

The window awaits
A gentle breeze escapes
Cool it captures me
Bleak are the landscapes
That surround this house
If only I could pull the shades
And let the scenery fade
Maybe if you were near
I would allow myself to care
It might be the lack of you
That leaves my world colorless
I am anything but weightless
While I wilt away
Waiting for my love to arrive
Save me from my prison
The loneliness has risen
Taking a hold of me
Maybe I'm yours to keep
Its possible I'm lying
To keep you on your feet
Only time tells the secrets
That we hold so sacred
Instead of telling you
I sit and write it down
In a notepad in the darkness
Imagining the lines I'd whisper
To the deepest part of your heart
I still sit waiting for you
While the vast space pushes us apart
You visit me in dreams
Wanting to be held by you
Ripes me at my seams
As soon as your bag hits the floor
Your off and out the door again
Leaving my feeling drained
Starving and hungry for you
And all the things only you can do
Find me
Put these pieces back together
Fix me
Take a hold of me
Mold me back to who you fell in love with
She is still in here lost and forgotten

I'll Never Be

I've never been full of grace
I sing out of tune
I'm shy
I take things too serious
And yet sometimes not serious enough
I've been a loner
Never traveling in the in crowd
I enjoy a good song
A great book
A pencil A paper
That's where I find my comfort
You see what you want
An attitude I carry
Protects the feelings I want to hide
I've never been soft spoken
If cornered I'm hurtful and mean
The worst traits I own come out
From a dark place that doesn't feel like me
I've never been bright and cheery
A deep thinker running words through my head
Making stories as I've gone along
I obsess over the small things
While I sweep the big ones under the rug
I complicate and tangle words
I laugh at inappropriate times
I itch my neck when I am nervous
When I've lied I let it eat at me till I am truthful
I've never been good at being organized
But I cannot stand being late
Going back on words makes me furious
Hate being snuggled on while I am sleeping
I'm a free spirit that has been anchored
Bound by my own insecurities
I search for approval
But am so scared of judgement
I'm a believer in dreaming
But somehow forgot about living
All those dreams out
Sometimes I am confused
Who is this person staring back at me
The face in mirror so familiar but new
I bit my lip when I'm trying not to laugh
I make jokes
And break down and act crazy
Just to make myself smile
There is always a brighter light to every side
An outlook that's taken me so long to see
There are things I will never be
Those are the things that weren't meant for me
And there are so many things that wait
Those pieces of me eventually will be discovered

Woman

I am a woman
I create something
Out of nothing
I fix whats been broken
And give it a new name
I stress endless nights
Sleepless worry
I pace these halls
A purpose to carry
The world on my shoulders
I wear a smile upon my face
Not giving into the darkness
I light up the nights
Making wishes on stars
That eventually burn away
But I am a woman
I love with all of me
I forgive often
I forget never
I have gentle words
But my tongue can lash out
It Stings with a crack
I live in confusion
Chaos is my comfort
I'm a bearer of life
A vessel of breathe
Turning myself out
To deliver them
To this unforgiving world
I am a women
I break easily
But have gotten use to
Building myself up stronger
Becoming wiser
Naive I once was
Just a girl, a child
Breaking all the rules
But I have moved on from that
Becoming the woman I am today
Always trying to be better
Than the day before
I am proud
When I awake and stand
With each new day
Because I am a women
I am stronger than you'll ever feel
Something you will always wish to be
But the molds were broke
When they created me

Here We Are Again

Dangerous, your eyes tell me
A story about deceit
Wildly I imagine us in tangled
I could careless about my rescue
The lips tell me to stay away
That your nothing but trouble
But your body pulls me in closer
Fighting is useless
I've come to you willingly
There is no map
To tell us how this should go
We just are here
A single moment
I could have been anywhere
I could have been anything
We were meant to cross paths
At any cost
An open book,
Waiting for my pages to be read
I hide nothing
Exposing myself for you to discover
Flattery has gotten you everywhere
We've never been able to let go
But with each other
There is no reason to hold back
I will leave under the cover of night
You'll never admit the feelings you've caught
Finding weakness in I love you
But the reason you come back is apparent
We find ourselves folding
Under the pressures of our separate lives
We give in to each others lust
Capturing us in this old rerun
A heart unlike mine
The words you try so hard to reach
Unable to pull them through
All the walls
It never been about the finish or the end results
Somehow you've always manage to pull me back in
With no promises I stay

Out With the Old

Suspended here I lay
Maybe my face will appear one day
A broken window reflections
Say what we used to be
What we only want to see
A distant glow
A faded sign
A handful of meaning
Tossed into the wind
Its a picture torn and frayed
Sunset in the afternoon
A day ending to soon
Sweeping me into the shadows
Slow dancing under moonlight
My whole world spins
And your persistence wins
Watching this girl wavering
I kiss the light
My voice quavering
While I whisper goodnight
Alone I stand
Greatly misunderstood
Mixed up confused feelings
Arise early in the morning
Shackled to my bed
This is the road
And this is where its led
I drowned out the words so unkind
I bet when your the first
I'm the last thing on your mind
I am sick of being someone
I never believed in
Today I change it all
Strip away the old watching it fall

What If

I sometimes wonder if I close my eyes
And wish really hard
When I open them you'll be standing there
Maybe its a dream
The fact that I really do care
Its easier to imagine what if
Than to have an actual ending
The finality of those plans
The ones we made so deep in love
The dying flames, angry it burns
Taking residence in my heart
To hard to say I am sorry
Tears are mysterious to me
They never mean
What you'd like to say
They make you seem weak
Like somehow you might break
Looking at you, a vision in a mirror
Kiss me before I melt away
I'm not more than what you say
A fleeting memory
Drained of what I once was
Fading under the bright lights
Under resistance I shake
Will is unintended
I stand firm in my convictions
Even when they get in the way
Maybe I'm stubborn
This is just me striped down to the surface

Someplace

Wild in my heart
Where it runs free
Always busy telling me
Its time to leave
To repair whats been broken
Filling whats run dry
To find whats been lacking
But I don't really know
What I've forgotten
Checklists runs miles
Keep me from sitting still
Signs telling me dead end
Warnings lay ahead
Turn around facing the past
I want to be someplace
Where no one knows my name
To get lost while finding myself
I thought everyone was the same
But to my surprise we're all different
Happiness lays in the strangest of places
Sometimes the smallest of spaces
Finding your own is not impossible
You just have to follow the roads
That lead back to the center of you
The seeds have been planted
The roots they run deep
Not where our dreams go to die
But to thrive
Make us reach higher strive for better
To be better,
Then what we are today

Truth Is

Accept it or not
I really don't care
I give you what you need
Not what your looking for
Being honest is all I've got
Instead of being sucked into
Your web of pain
Self pity try some self worth
Take a moment to figure it out
Move on, step forward
If its worth rearrangement
Or just throw it away
Stop being indecisive
Relaying on others to lead
Lighting up the path
Its never that easy
I'm sorry to say
sometimes you need to let go
Before it fades away
Some people are anchors
While others let you fly
Sometimes its to late to figure out
Who is what they say
While others go back on words
Stealing away all you precious time
Some are not always worth what they say
While others are more
Not given nearly enough credit
Deciding who is who
And which one you are
Can sometimes be misleading
Convinced if we are forgiven
That our pasts are somehow
Erased or rewritten
Maybe I'm wrong
Its possible you are right
But that's left for you to figure out
All on your own

We Need a Change

Happiness wrapped with a bow
Sits on your door step alone
Out in the world
Where others go
Pushing shoving
The whole day through
Money doesn't equal out
Those that have
Those that don't
No in between
In this place we live in
Children starve,cancer thrives
Tears run dry
Hearts remain broken
But you don't see
what hides behind their eyes
The smiles they fake so well
No home to live in
No security in the bank
Living day to day
While others have homes
For every season of the year
There are those who sleep under stars
Cold and scared
Holding themselves together
While the government gives breaks
To the ones who don't need any
We misunderstand the politics of it all
Foreclosure signs line the streets
Of once beautiful neighborhoods
Chow lines wrap around the corner
I cannot comprehend the sadness
That others carry
Helping neighbors
Since the men that get paid to
Turns their backs
Letting others dictate their actions
We pay for other countries to eat
While our people cannot
Growing up I believe this happened in cities
But here I am reality sets in
It can happen anywhere
The sick staying sick
No health care
Cannot afford the medicine
That may cure what ails them
The old work till they drop
If they are lucky enough to find a job
Everything out sourced
So the rich can save a dime
When all we have are pennies
The gas prices rise
People who work for minimum wage
No longer can afford to get to their jobs
Its cheaper to stay home collecting welfare
Before the funds run dry
We're crying out for a change
To be taken to a new place
where we can all feel safe and secure
Who says money doesn't buy happiness?
The people who never went without anything

I Believe

I believe in dreaming
No paper Gods for me
I live for myself alone
I love because I want to
Not because I am suppose to
I pull it together when I need to
Learning my lessons as I go
I express when lease expected
My hearts not made of glass
Or made of stone
But I still stand guard over it
Protecting it from your elements
Stop trying to take
What I'm not willing to give
Stop pushing me
I don't believe in
What you want me to
These foreign words
Are so unknown to me
I don't make promises
I don't intend to keep
The slightest twitch of hand
May send me running
My decieving ways
Tend to be overlooked
Making my lies your reality
I'm not one to give in
Or give up very easily
Unable to make the right connection
Mind and heart
Stand apart
Hoping they will discover one another
Over time I assume things will fall into place
Leaving it to a fate
I no longer believe in

Figuring it Out

The well has run dry
I reach for the words
To release this pain
That fills the void
Helping me to escape
The everyday life
That leaves me feeling alone
The walls closing in
Pressing up against me slowly
Making an exit impossible
Even when I am at my strongest
My walls shake, crumble
And eventually fall
Leaving me exposed
Expressionless I lay
Searching for safety
I tend to bluff
When things go wrong
Keeping details to myself
Of my undoing, unraveling
Right before your eyes
Silently keeping it hidden
Its my own disgrace
A tragedy in its finest
Sort out whats important
Throwing away unnecessary things
That have held me back
When is the best time to stand
For all I thought I believed in
Its a test of will
Resulting in failure
I'm afraid to finally admit
I do not have a clue what I am doing
And how I have gotten here

He knocks

There was a crow
knocking at my door
He brought a feeling
To me was unknown
While I wished him to go
He remained there
Watching, waiting
For what
I am quite unsure of
His movements slow and sleek
His beetie eyes starring me down
To my very soul
Like xray vision
He knew I was alone
I am sure I've seen him in a dream
Taking his time
He taps again
Eagerly waiting for my answer
What does he expect
Has he come to take me away
To follow him into the unknown
Shoo bird just leave me here
At least for another day
I am unsure I can take much more
Your insistent knocking
Please just go away
Lets not play this game today
Your rapping sends shivers
Down my spine
You are no longer welcomed here
Your driving me mad
The constant tapping
Even though the thought scares me
I open the door and what I expect
Is not what I am given
He takes flight off my doorstep
Smoothly he expanse his wings
And I learn something new
Sometimes a bird is just a bird

Lays Between Us

The ocean of mattress lays between us
Swim against the flannel sheet dreams
Just trying to reach out to you
The nightmares suck me back in
Leaving me restless and tired
Wrapped in blankets of down
Filling this empty room
Sunlight bounces off the mirrors
Making windows where there were none
Brilliant light surrounds us
Shadows fall by the way side
Believing is the only truth we need
No place I'd rather be
I refuse to crawl out of bed today
As long as we have each other
We need nothing else
Days when thunder echoes
Turn off the phone
Hide the remotes
Unplug the clock
Bring me in closer to you
Enjoying this moment made just for us
Close the door, draw the shades
Lets forget yesterdays misunderstanding
Its lost all meaning as the day passes
And we remember why its just you and I

So Long Ago

Rewinding time
Replaying those innocent moments
That got us from place to place
At that time you were so hard to resist
Standing behind the fallen trees
We had our first kiss
Seems like yesterday
But somehow its turned into years
You used to play your music
I'd sing along making it up
As I went along
Now you are gone from the world
I am sad for your loss
As I remember walking the streets
Hand in hand
Friends before we were more
Somehow I missed you
Drifting further away
Turning into a man I didn't know
Friendship turned to dust on a shelf
I catch my breath thinking
I'll never run into you again
At random locations
We'd laugh, talking for hours
Rambling on about nothing important
All those time running through my head
Once you were my best friend
Then you kissed me
Sending us in a new direction
It took all these years
And you passing
For me to realize
You made an small impact on this life I have made
We grew up
We fell apart
Closing a chapter so we could both move on
I just wanted you to know
I thought of you today

Maybe I Am

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Is that the worst thing to be
I sit waiting to be enlightened
Maybe these visions
Are the future I am seeing
Its a possibility its nothing more
Than a glimpse of the past
Is it an illusion
Just a delusion
Using my imagination
To make this world a pretty place
I'm not oblivious to reality
But this day dream is such a wonderful place
Meant for the impossible
To suddenly be feasible
Illuminating the way for others
Those who feel defeated
What does it cost to dream
When there is nothing left
No one should be disappointed
If their hopes fall apart
During these travels
Its common to become unraveled
So hard to remain positive
When something you've worked hard for
Rusts,
Turning to dust in your hands
Crumbling your faith in yourself
I dream to stay awake
To keep living
To burn brighter than the day before
The fear of not succeeding
Doesn't keep me from going on
Its the thought that I will one day
Become everything I have hungered for
I can feel it in my bones
That it lays ahead of me
Somewhere
I will keep dreaming
Creating new ones daily
Till I find my way there

Do You Dare

Pick me
Loose me
Entrapped in an impossible situation
Living so seriously
Mixed emotions
Leave you confused
Running hot then cold
Testing limits
Pushing you away
Pulling me in
Are you willing to pay the price
That loving me will cost
Is it worth what you'll possible loose
I will tear apart what you believe
Build myself up
While wreaking all you've saved
I'm not afraid but you should be
I take and don't return
Sharing is caring
I never allow myself to make that mistake
I may fall for you
But that's something I'll never let you know
The games I play
Keeping you guessing
Whats around the next bend
Mood swings have you running in circles
It amazes me the hoops you'd jump through
But breaks my heart that that I cannot do the same
Your so giving and loving
A heart so big there is room for everyone in there
While I'm selfishly hiding
Breaking my own rules for you
Allowing myself to feel for someone
Other than me
Is this growing up
Or have I gone ahead and fallen for you

Time For You

Early in the morning
I will rise to watch you sleep
So close to you
Almost like living in a dream
I've spent my time
Just watching you breathe
You know me
Better than I do
My words escape from the tip of my tongue
To your lips
Making this all seem to surreal
Titles just complicate
I always knew you'd be mine
Without the label I remain true
My heart has been locked down
Making only promises I know I can keep
Love rises and falls
The truest never comes to an end
I carry only what I intend to keep
That's why your still here
Keeping me company
Recovering me
from the places in between
The lost and the found
I bend
Giving way to my heart
Access for you alone
remains of lovers past
Lay about
Distant memories
Making room
For only you to exist

Empowered

Tied together with paper string
Nothing new
Begins with something old
Closure doesn't bring relief
It stalks me
Running its course
Apologies are never enough
To make this seem sound
I didn't ask you to come here
I never told you to stay
Your words seem so rehearsed
Acting as if I'm blind
To the fact you've trampled my heart
And pushed me out of place
So quick to point a finger
Never taking care of your blame
Hanging others out to dry
For your own wrong doings
How can you compare my tears
To the emptiness you bring
I believed we could change
That we'd have our happy ending
Caught in this vicious web
Be a man, suck it up
Take ownership to your mistakes
I'm not here to amuse you
And you've retreated to old behavior
You'll eventually choke on your lies
They will catch you by surprise
Taking you out at your knees
You'll be at my feet
Asking once again for my forgiveness
Giving me a new chance
To turn my back and make you disappear

Changing

Where the sun ends
and the moon begins
Rocking
Gently swaying in the breeze
Flowers reaching high
discovering strength
Power of suggestion
Mind over matter
Changing the wind
Completing the pattern
Such a long way from home
Hoping for a little luck
In this sea of mistakes
Its not for you to decide
Whats wrong and right for me
I see the times
I should have looked back
And those I should have focused
On the roads that lay ahead
Notes fell flat
Out of tune
Days are long
Nights grow short
Next thing you know your gone
Watching the distance grow less
An everlasting chase
Till my time expires
I keep trying
To remain positive
Through out the storm
To out run the rain
Trying to not focus on the pain
That life brings
When there is so much beauty
Throwing away all clocks
Living in the moment
That best fits me
That brings me joy and love

New Direction

Mixing oil and honey
taste of bitter and sweetness
my world quickly changes
gritty like sandpaper
concentrating on lacking feelings
Worried about the end result
All those simple things
I cannot change
Rapid heart beat
Keeps me awake
Taking so many away
Erased so easily like a pencil
Making me feel so misplaced
Heart full of stone
Eyes made of jewels
Sparkle like the stars
I keep trying to carry out
The mission of happiness
I disappear
Camouflaged in the cracks
My mood sour
Like the words you say
Moment of weakness
Stepping on my hands
Loosing my grip
Circling this drain
The ship remains afloat
Giving me hope
Bringing me courage
Through the darkness
Heading in a new direction
Aimed towards the light
From a new day
The waves
Crashing against the shore

In Between

Black and white
No blending
No grey area
Where things come together
Relying on the peace within
I pray, I meditate
I hope for these thoughts to float away
Unchain me
From this haunting melody
Wearing thin
Cheapening my beliefs
Trading them in
For something solid
Something I can touch, that I can see
To make it that much more real
Your heart believes this to be true
But mind tells me different
I'm not buying what your selling
Take it to an other's door
Suck them in with your stories
I don't mean to judge so quick
My head defeats your words
Making myself the only thing I can trust
I'll remain in this limbo
Waiting on the next train
That might reach me
Maybe prove that these aren't lies
Until then I'll remain on the side
Taking my time to come to your truth
If I make it there I'll join you for a drink
If not I'll simply just be asleep
Mixing with dirt for eternity

Wishing Wells

Wishing wells full of pennies
Empty hopes
Resting on the bottom
Messages lost
Dreams forgotten
Tossed away
Dropping into the cool waters
When life cost to much
Pennies is all we have
Four leaf clovers
Horse shoes
Symbols of luck
Bringing you closer
Helping you to believe
You can reach your dreams
Shooting stars
Disappear into the unknown
Just like hopes
Dancing in the dark
Lighting its way
Making it all seem possible
Secret wishes we hold
Resting on these ideas
That anything can happen
Big or small
There are things we silently
Reach for
Taking just for ourselves
Hoping,dreaming, wishing
For the impossible
To be ours
To be true

A Song

A song
its the light in the dark
We're busy making wishes
Hanging the moon
Making promises
On stars that all fall down
Planning a future on a tomorrow
That may never come
But my heart never fears the unknown
Its happy and content
With what today brings
Maybe there is an ending
Maybe we're just playing pretend
Somehow its always been you and me
Even before we met
The paths were always meant to cross
Here's a toast to us
And the years ahead
And the places we've been
Love draws us in
Makes us closer than friends
Even when we don't mean to hurt
Bending doesn't mean we always break
We'll move on
Keeping our hearts joined through the tears
Building us up from the ground
Strengthening with each blow
I promise through these years
I'll never disappear
I will stand by your side
For better or worse
My love for life

Attached to the thoughts
Running through my head
Troubles they may come
And they may go
Stories of who I used to be
I only wish I could recall
All that time I lost
I'd like to meet the thief
who stole it away
Perhaps I remember it incorrectly
Painting myself in new lights
While others look on
Judging my actions
Feeling free never felt so confined
It came at every cost
Except my heart
That piece I managed to save
I've been dragged through hell
Wild to my soul
Rough around my edges
The stares bounce off
I laugh at the thought
You all say you know me
But what you don't see
There is a tender side
That no one really ever knew
Tough I stand
hardened through the years
Disappointing others
I just kept rolling on
Saving the best part just for me
I can't take back what I've done
I can't get back the things I've lost
Everyday is a new start
A chance to make things right again

Lies

Don't be yourself
just to be with me
foundation on lies
crumble to easily
turning to dust in my hand
leaving me always wondering
what you have up your sleeve
Feel free when your with me
Let my hair flow gently in the breeze
walking next to you
Confident there are no lies between us
Honesty builds the trust
that takes us to new levels
Without this no love can exist
Molding us into empty shells
Just feelings tattered by simple words
Fractions of us
Blinded by small motions
Always taking them for granted
Feeling all these damages emotionally
Pushing you and all them away
I stand guard, with nothing left to prove
Standing,pouring myself out into your hands
Just seeping through these sands of time
Burying myself deeper
Reminders all to close to my heart
Always looking for a fresh start
Hoping I can make the right turn
That will get us back to the beginning
So we may start over
Not holding back
Leaving no regrets

Beneath My Dreams

Rain on my windowpane
Like Shattered and forgotten dreams
To many to count
We are ever soaring
Just reaching higher
The cracking lightening
Casting shadows on my walls
Snapping me back to reality
Uncovering secret desires
Stirring the dying fires
Bracing my soul
For the impact that will rock me to my core
In the eye of the storm
Where my heart belongs
Calm and warm
I'm not cut out for this life
Always guessing
So busy questioning
I can't help but to do the opposite
Its safe no one will be expecting it
I know I should bow out
Find my exit
But I can't
I keep grasping for straws
One must hold the key
The answers to it all
Maybe I've held on to tight
Damaging the things that were out of my sight
Only now coming into focus
It wasn't just my dreams redirected

Let it be this way

Shaking my heart leaving me full of fear
I miss you, wish you would come along
This journey is lonely
I know everyone underestimates us
It must make them all hate us
Keeps them talking behind our backs
Just wish you would catch me
keep me from falling
Head over heels for you
Come to me take this pain away
Its heaven in your arms
Making me happy being somewhere
Anywhere with you
Lost in this dream state
I'm going to carry you around with me
In my head, In my heart
I'll wear you around my finger
Keeping you close to me wherever I go
While we keep growing older
Rocking chairs in all, watching children grow
I won't miss a moment of your life
I wouldn't trade it for anything
I'd never give up even when there is no fight left
But my heart is true, left only for you
All I want to do is to make you happy
To make you mine forever
Everything involves you
without you I'd break in two
I'd loose control
All I want to do is lay here with you
Dream the days away
Floating high on these feeling
Every moment counts
Telling time by these
I just always hope nothing ever changes
Let us remain this way forever
Let it always be this good

Drink Up

Lie to me
Break the tie that binds
Easily distracted
By passerby
Watching this self destruction
Unable to bring the light to surface
Blinded by confusion
Its only just moments of self doubt
Unaware by the complications
They mix so well on the rocks
Staring through this glass
Seeing you sideways
Its not always as it seems
Blurred, nonfunctional
Distance isn't enough
Looking out into this mess
Its just an other's view
these feeling won't go away
They linger on
While sipping on regret
Misjudgment creeps up on me
Wondering why I keep on waiting
When did my dreams go missing
Lounge music echoes in the background
Taking over this smoke filled air
I can't keep giving up on me
Drunk off the bitterness that ran over
Leaving me Hungover and unable to lift myself
Off this floor again

My Poem to You

These words I hold are true
In your eyes I can't ever lie
Chances we've taken have lead us here
Young love, I want to grow old with you
Getting through my day
Waiting till the next moment I am with you
You make me smile with a passing thought
These  walls you've made into a home
And I am happy just being with you
I love laughing till I cry
Laying on the couch snuggled under your arm
The smell you leave on your pillow
The way you say my name
Life has been so full
You were unexpected
But exactly what I needed
We were made for one another
In this whole world we found each other
My soul mate, my best friend
You are everything I never knew I wanted
And here we are sharing our future
Hand in hand
We've created a life together
You let me pick the music
Listen to me sing loudly and out of tune
Smile when I pout
You would give me the moon the stars
And everything in between
In exchange for nothing
But you know I would do anything
To see you smile to hear you laugh
To know that my heart belongs to you
As the years pass I love to look back
see the path we've paved
see how far we've come
And I am just thankful to wake next to you
Each and everyday

Lost Spaces

Drifting into those lost spaces
Burning time like we have extra
looking to the sky
But it just comes tumbling down
Seeping through your hands
Just falling into the places in between
Its like being reborn
Without a new soul
We just hang on
Trying to make small changes
Hoping for better outcomes
We test limits
Breaking laws bending rules
Young still at heart
While bones ache, we push time
Challenging this life
Not giving into to the eternal sleep
Loved ones cling to your skin
But you feel like just the shell
Of the person that once stood here
Earth becomes quick sand under foot
And your heart turns to stone
Wishing for those lost hours back
Knowing you're to late
You spend your days watching seconds tick by
Wishing to feel brand new again
To start fresh
The ones that matter have come and passed
And you know you will soon
Joining them once again
So goes this circle of life

So Far Away

Sap drips from a broken branch
The breeze cold on my back
Leaving me chilled
Remembrance so hard
Your face slowly fades
Seems like just yesterday
You were here
Now nothing more than a passing memory
Pictures the only thing that remains of you
Changing seasons
Leaves are flaming
Skies of grey
Reminds me of the day you went away
So far from us
No phones can reach you where you are
So many things left unsaid
It seems I have lost my mind
Trying to figure out why
Letting in the pain a little at time
Fear the gates will open and wash me away
Drowned me in the mess you have left
I regret times past when you were here
On the outside looking in
But these chapters I must close
I carry you through my day
A little heavier in my heart
Kind words weren't enough
To ease this broken heart
Waking in the night screaming your name
Never have I felt so alone
When I could feel you in every corner of my room
Leaves me feeling cold inside
Letting the embers die along side you
Please tell me how to let go

The Break

Quickly we forget
How easily a young girls heart breaks
Words of steel
they leave the soul weak
Crying for more
Tasting the salty tears
Waiting for the safety
Wishing for love to remain
Rocks made of glass
Washed ashore
rejects of the sea
the same as me
Take in, swept away
Answers are buried
Solutions seem to extreme
Grey the walls I paint
Caught in this hell
The sweetness of the release
My mind twists the words
The truth becomes to hard to hear
The lies just easier to believe
Expectation like disappointment
The direction I have lost
Waiting for an exit light
But nothing appears
My world the chaos remains
To fight another day

Past

Tireless love
Tangled we lay
forever not a day less
Wilting flowers
Pressed between the pages
Words of wise men
That never knew the beauty of love
Just stories now
Haunting me
Like voices from my past
Its to late for them
Wounded hearts bleed
Swollen tears they fall
Streams filled of blackness
A heavenly disaster awaits
Bound by love
Often taken for granted
Wicked ways uncovered
Focus refrains
Clearly it sees
I am a dreamer
When life is to real
Backing into a corner
Hands slide over broken walls
Erase your mistakes
Block out the words
innocents under the covers
When will the scars fade
Under sun light they are exposed
Soaked up the pain
till nothing remains

Come To Me

Mistakes under moonlight
Burning the seconds into my mind
When your lost inside yourself
Come to me
We can be free
In this dream land just you and me
Block out the morning light
Take my hand
Like dust swept away
Rediscover feelings we try to hide
Bring peace
Surrendering to the beast
That we hold within
No more time spent unhappy
Come to me
I will show you pleasure amongst all your pain
Explore this heart that longs for you
Time so fragile
Slips by so easily
Slips till its gone
Nothing more than an empty vessel
The moment here now is special
And made just for us
Nothing changes forever
And nothing remains the same
We cannot pick what stay the same
But I pick you to go there with

Moments

Stars like paint on my ceiling
Point me home
I've come here by choice
Next to you
My hand is empty
I come bearing my soul
Take me to a higher place
Express my love to the fullest
Hopes lying in that moment
Tearfully hellos
Tender goodbyes
My world spins out of control
Waiting here for you
Directions lost
The moon blankets us softly
Seconds stand still
Tipsy time
Takes me away
Moments bridge together
In harmony we live
As if tomorrow never existed
We measure our love in actions
Words tend to fail
Sometimes ambiguous
Swept away in your arms
The doubt melts away
Life full of symbols
A heart, a ring
What stands the test of time
I hope its you and I

Brighter Days

heavy hearted no more
clouds have lifted
the sunlight shines down
Lighting the way to a better peace of mind
Ethereal and divine
A new day arises
My heart has composed a new song
Bittersweet, but so close to perfection
I will live in the moment
Becoming immersed in this happiness
Its only a taste
But I have been left out in the cold for so long
That this has been enough to move my soul
Life so full, so effervescent
I have laid in the shadows watching it pass by
I have made so many mistakes over my life
Each one I have felt the guilt
But today I will learn forgiveness
I will let them float away
Recovery isn't something that happens over night
For once I see the light in the tunnel
Dim but still there
As days pass on the light will become brighter
The meaning will makes sense
The dots will become connected
They will eventually fall into the place
My faith has been predicted
My course already set
Getting there will be a battle
Moving forward is all I can do
Each day will have its own struggle
But days like today, when I feel like anything is possible
I know that I can get there

My Daughter's Eyes

The woman I wished I was
Kind, caring, full of grace
A heart of gold
Beautiful on the inside
Wishing I could be more than what I see
Stronger than I feel
But in my daughter's eyes I am everything I wished I was
A hero, a teacher, a beautiful soul
Nothing less than perfect
In their eyes I see myself the way they do
Unbroken and full of love
When I think I need to be rearranged
And regret over flows
Looking in their eyes every choice I have made
Has brought me to them
In this world full of nothing
I am some one's everything
I am the sun that their world revolves around
Everything I teach them
Reflects in the women they will one day be
I set examples the best I can
In my daughter's eyes I show them anything is possible
Even when I am unsure
I show them respect for others is important
But not to forget yourself
When I am tired and the days don't seem to end
I watch my children sleeping dreaming big dreams for them
I lean over and kiss their foreheads
And hope I've done my best

My tears are my weapons
In a world full of walls
I have built them to keep myself safe
And have become my own worst enemy
Kept alone in here I hide
I have fought for this right
Or so I thought
Maybe its more of a surrender
waving my white flag as I retreat
Giving into my fears
Trying anything to numb whats felt
I take and stuff it down
Creating another wall in my defense
But time always cracks it
Leaving me here open
I swear I'm not as fragile as I sound
At least I have tried to convince myself of this
Its not the worst thing to be
But I refuse in my hour of need
The hope must lay within
Somewhere inside
There must be something that drives me
While I wait expecting it to come
I quit, I give up
If it all rests on me things may never be the same
I am just tired and the road is long
There is no escape
The truth I must face
I have always turned the other cheek
Waiting for the other foot to fall
I manage to crawl out from under it all these years
But today is an exception
My mind has been exhausted
And feels like hiding here
I stay hoping for the strength to get through another day

Summer's End

Tides rise and fall
Reminds me of you and I
The sand still has traces of warmth
Mental pictures of days past
Bring smiles to me
Yearning to relieve those times
Moments where I could hardly breathe
standing there beside you
I trembled  at the very thought
So caught up in your scent
Afraid to face you
You invaded every thought
My heart beating as loud as a drum
Terrified I would be spotted
That you would see all that I held within
I remember the day we first met
The summer heat it was so intense
But your skin still cool as ice
Your voice instantly hypnotized me
Never met another soul so deeply connected to mine
Through my eyes you could see yourself
And for once I needed someone
Consumed by you
But like summer everything must come to an end
I wouldn't trade my heartbreak for never meeting you
So I will sit here watching the sun set
Feeling the warmth on my face bringing you back to me
If only for a moment
And then release you again
Memories bad or good make us who we are
You've given a hand in building this person who is here today
Coolness is all that remains as the sun is gone
I open my eyes expecting to see my past
But staring out into darkness, I see a clean slate
I am finally seeing my future

Inside

Who do you see when looking at me
The person I desperately try to hide
Somehow I have painted my insides back
Containing myself there
The darkness has invaded every cell
Would you still love me if you knew my truth
That I crawl in my skin
The pain has permeated my heart
Love no longer lays there
Its been replaced by the darkness too
I'm stuck in this place there is no way out
I can't seem to dig myself out of this mess
Instead I dig deeper in
And feel no hope
My words lay flat
This silence I embrace
Frost leaves traces on my lips
Racing thoughts
No light in all this darkness
I find comfort being here alone
No one to expose my secrets
They say I need to snap out of this
It easier said then done
When all  I feel like doing is letting go
Slipping further into myself
Please do not pull me out
I'm seeking shelter here
The only place I have ever known
Maybe its all just in my head
Call me crazy
Label me if you must
If this helps you to cope
But I will retreat
This smile I wear is all fake
but it makes you all happy to see
So I will pretend to be anything but me

Release

desperately seeking the answers
The world holds back for no one
And I am not an exception
Tear me down build me up
Disposable like a paper cup
Laughter and pain
They seem to be so much the same
Faking this seems so unfair
Watching you to act like you no longer care
Cables and wires connect us
like we've been made into a machine
Your words cut like a warm knife through butter
And I can't take this no longer
I stand up to fight but there is no need
You've pushed the buttons to release me
I do not feel the need to justify my behavior
In my eyes I have become a stranger
I no longer know this person in the mirror
Inspiration found out of desperation
The insanity runs wild
The static takes over
Ruining everything that went before
Smashing whats to come
The course seems never ending
And the I'm sick of pretending.......

Another place another time
I just can't seem to keep up with myself
Racing at a steady pace
There is always something
So tired of playing pretend
I just can't keep up
I fall behind
Disappointment again
I believed in myself
Foolish mistake
I am worried about the things that I can't change
Dreamless sleep
Giving up the things I have wished for
The wonders I have yet to complete
I give up and start again
A new day a new hope
Lost and left figuring this out
Not really sure where to go from here
Stuck in the middle trying to cross over
Trying to make the switch to the person I wish to be
Even though this has always been me
Afraid to show that glimmer of hope
Let down my friend, left alone again
There has to be a voice of reason
I've always rested on the borderline
The world moves on while I'm worried I'll be left behind
Quickly sinking this boat I must abandon
There must be a higher reason
I am just to busy to see
Worried for my own well being
Concerns go unnoticed
But I push on anyways
Hoping my hard work will pay off
Just another face in a drowning sea
Mixed emotion, words fail me now
I'm crushed beyond fixing
I have put my own needs on hold
And it has left me Drifting
Its all in the waves
Darkness rests on the horizon
Skies furry opens upon us
Further I go
Hoping for an island
Wishing for a savior
The lightening exposes the vastness that surrounds

Casting shadows on the wall
creating something out of nothing
It all started with a kiss
And somehow has lead to this
Pulling my insides out
Trying to prove there is a heart that beats
I may push you away
My words may seem cold
My tongue like ice
But I've been forever waiting
On a man like you to melt into me
To bring me to life
I've always been a loner
I can't express why
And with you I can no longer hide
Bringing light to the shadows
They have haunted me
For so long I have been alone
Always on my own
Finding someone like you
to fill those empty spaces
Brings new meaning
Makes me feel so alive
I smile when I hear your name
Your voice like a song
Its crazy to have come this far
Leaving that unknown person
The person who is the former me
I burst through my shell
I'm never going to imprison myself again
I have finally been given the courage
To not settle, to be happy
That's the way I feel when I am with you

Pacing these floors
Walls closing in
Forgotten time
Where have you been
Restless, tired, unable to sleep
Minutes to hours seem to slip
I question myself
taking more than I can give
Broken all these years
No one understands
I realize I stand alone
Caring takes to much
I move a little closer
Hoping to feel your heat
Maybe to feel anything at all
But you pull away leaving me cold
Leaving me on my own
I choke on my words
Pain burning holes through me
The happiness seeps out
Leaving me empty
What do you have to say
Now that you've drop this weight
I can not longer escape my loneliness
It confronts me
Drifting into madness
You have become so relentless
Picking me apart
Giving me no direction
Lacking motivation
Wishing to wash me clean
I know there was a time
A place that we would lay without a fight
Time grows further between us
I keep tripping over these foolish things
I thought you could change a thousand times
Maybe you did and I didn't
stuck in the past
Frozen in those moments that hurt me most
For every 20 good moments it may erase one bad
But who's counting?
I wish I could just forget all about it
So there is no excuse for your absence
While I am here needing you
Pull me out of this darkness
Just set me free before I unravel
Before I'm nothing but a string

I stand in the rain
Waiting on you
Our time passes slow
Creeps up beside us
Trading the spaces
We believe that its all possible
Maybe then it was
But we crawl on, bit by bit
IT keeps us breathing
Keeps us hoping
That time will tell us which way to go
But its never that easy
Eventually we have to make a choice
Even if we miss the boat
There is always a tomorrow
So hold me close don't let your hands slip
It may feel wrong but at least we're not alone
And someday we'll know that its more than this
That being free was only fun till I was caught by you
And that was my choice
I made it so long ago
We may have changed
And life might have made this so
But with you I have the strength to renew everyday
You have brought your share of complications
I know I am not free of burden myself
Together it just makes sense
Apart just a mess
A Hurricane wouldn't stand a chance
We spin ourselves out
With every crack we grow
Learning that life and love are not pretty
But if its real its worth it......

Strength burns within
I'm not what I always seem to be
And my heart often lays to far from my head
Stranger to myself
When the pain fills the void
I stay standing not letting it knock me
Hanging on till that better day
My skin hurts and my hair falls to the floor
Life has a plan, and I'm afraid this is mine
But I am still here thankful for another day
I'm a women and my scars tell my story
There are to many odds that are counting on me to fail
But lucky there are plenty that aren't
I commit to myself to making myself better
Let the sunshine roll over my skin
Warming me and freeing the ache that lays in my bones
I stumble on lazy days from time to time
My body just says no when my mind yells go for it
Deep down I know I can
without me this world would be a different place
I feel some days letting my hands slip free
But I know its not that easy
A life where darkness reins
I put a smile when the feelings are absent
The power I hold is always leaping from me
I paste stars where there is none and wish on them
Is this all that's meant from me
I sing when I feel like I am dying
I dance instead of crying
letting go of the things that drag me down
Freeing my body of the weight of sadness
It poisons my heart
I pull it together when it stretches so far
I balance my sickness
And direct myself out of self pity
I scream in the wind and it carries it away
I need help but to proud to ask
So I'll keep on fighting till my last breathe
And know, I might dangle close to the edge
I will never let go

Powerless to your will
Oh little white pill
You've been there more than a dozen times
Picked me up shook me off
Made me new, made me forget about the pain
Flying and not caring about ever being grounded
I've found myself pleading for your surrender
But I turn to you instead
Color runs dry
opaque and bleak
there seems no end in sight
Sleepless warrior
Pacing the same streets, familiar corners meet
And there you were
Loving you more than I ever loved myself
You flow through me connecting the loose ends
Making me feel brighter than the sun
Lying to myself this will be your last time
But you infect my mind consuming every itch
Your the reason I have failed
And yet I cannot leave you alone
I felt the cold and do not like it
You quiet the voice in my head
The one that tells me I am not good enough
You empty my emotions
The fears I let go
Comfort in the shadows
My name no one needs to know
You've become my hand to hold, Why can't you let go
Your hooks deep in my skin
You wash through my veins
And I feel complete again
White powder your test I will fail
I can't get you off my mind
Everyone else has come and gone
You've driven the wheel steering me here
Sightless, tilting, wavering
Your spell has been casted
My demons lay still
while you're here creating new ones
Taking advantage of my weakness
Just this one last time I will give in
And let you wash me away....

Shatter

Its hard to make things work
A key in a door not a match
Maybe I'd be better off shattered
The slightest words hurt
The deepest emotions felt
When there seems like there is nothing left
Another cut, a jab slicing me down
Maybe there is no reason to stand
Behind it all, drilling through
You think it will make a difference
it only makes you weak
And the disappointment is to bitter to taste
I'm not strong enough to hold this world up
These shoulders have been over loaded
I feel if I am about to shatter
even if I don't mean too
Its taking all my strength just to keep up
I'm unable to run this marathon
I have no truth in a room full of lies
They black out everything I have meant to say
Maybe I'm one too
Just a whispering rumor floating around these walls
My heart, Broken at the seams
Its only a matter of time
Before it shatters
Wake up before the road ends
The cliffs are high and the bottom is endless
If only I could go back before I made that wrong turn
Mistakenly lead down the wrong paths
Here anyhow, faithless I hang
In my head I am anywhere and everywhere
Opening my eyes I am somehow frozen in time
The ice shatters and the truth confronts me
The sadness consumes me
Happiness in ignorance somehow I was awoken
Wish I could go back
I wish my hopes weren't shattered
By my own doings, I was wrong
And I've known this all along

Pieces of me fall away
Some for heartbreaks
others for lost friendships
Trading a few in for someone who was never true
More for a person I never really knew
Pieces drift circling around me till they are gone
A part goes to the ones who made me
Some to the falling tears that keep me human
A few for true loves touch
More than just a few for the little ones
That have they're little hands around my heart
Strip away the ones that I have never needed
The pieces I never really like anyhow
Saving only the special ones for the ones that count
Giving away pieces to the ones that need me
And nothing to those that don't
Shedding whats always been there
Dancing on my finger tips till they disappear
Some for the sadness that lingers nagging in my head
A piece for the happiness that lays with my family
They seem to fall all around me
I am surprised I have anything left
But there it is
Some for the sunshine that brings me to life
Always a piece for those who make me laugh
That bring light to my world
Unfortunately some for those who have back stabbed
And have misused and tangle my trust
The ones that have broken certain piece of me
I willing give those back to them
A piece goes to my white dress and bands of gold
Your hand in mine
Eyes of wonder and smiles that melts my heart
I gladly give the very last of my being for all of you
But still there seems to be one last piece
And to my surprise its just for me

My heart grows distant as days pass
And I'm tired of being alone
We live together but not side by side
Miles separate us and grow further apart
Where have we gone to
My love that question echoes through me
Empty without you
Quiet the house has become
No laughter in the house that once was a home
The sunset are lonely
no good morning kiss
You are in a hotel somewhere I don't know
The phone calls are distant
But still I sit and wait for them each day
I know each week you'll be coming home to me
and yet its like we are stranger
Tip toeing around each other
Afraid to move for this might just be a dream
And I will awake and our bed will be empty
I have never thought our love would turn on us
That we would be struggling for a meaning
for any reason to come together
I smile while I cry inside
Tears of being abandond knowing you'll be gone soon
You do this for us so I bite my tongue
With each goodbye a piece of me goes with you
And you'll call again and the words will fall in between
we struggle not to fall apart
Stuffing the words down to keep it together
The phone will ring and I will tell you what you need to hear
I am doing fine
When I am screaming inside come home
I'll make you feel like its alright
You need to know just one thing before your gone again
I miss you so very much and my life just isn't complete without you
So please just come home so we can be a family again
The way we were meant to be

Maybe I am where I suppose to be
Always looking back at the roads I've chosen
They seem to have lead me here
Stuck in the middle of no where
Regret is so easy
Being accountable is not
Longing to be forgiven by others
Its easier than forgiving yourself
Lessons are only taught through living
Expectations always looming over head
Life like swirling in the drain
Like hiding under covers
Dancing blindly whirling though this world
The less time you have the faster it seems to go
Yesterday I wish someone had told me that
It tears me apart that today is all over
And Tomorrow is not a promise
I walk on tip toes
I walk on tightropes
Without a net
The threat I might fall hovering on my back
And I can't help but look behind myself
Back to what lead me to this point
Do I give up? Bite my lip and hope it goes away
If I keep pushing down these feelings
eventually they will over flow
spilling out unable to push all that has surged
I stand like a soldier, trying not to show my fears
That maybe I've made a mistakes
And I'm not sure I am ready to admit it
So move forward go on pretend nothing lays beneath
That nothing has jaded me that my sun still shines

Reflections
Just mirror images of what we appear to be
Escaped by our reality
Flashes exposing restless souls
Take a good look
Its what surrounds that makes us whole
Maybe its fate or a misunderstanding
Whatever it may be or what it might not be
still its who we have become
so suffocating
Like treading water with no land in sight
The wait is the hardest part
Idly passing time
Slowly it slips falling away
Playing me like a broken instrument
Never in tune with you
But still you strum on
Broken strings and all
Waiting to see if you play your cards
Always dealt the joker, I fold
I fell like a token in your game
But this is life
If not mine then who's?
Dreams painted by you
images thrown together
Blurred visions turned to cloudy skies
Confused why things always happen this way
How I had everything and nothing all at once
A mere blemish in the world
Always searching as I wandered
Fighting to get outside
To be away from all that separates us
Truth is we are not going anywhere
We have become to tied down to all that surrounds us
Its all taken ahold, embedded itself
Call it what you will I won't take all this blame
I have bleed and shed my fair share of tears
And yet I still stand here.....