My Daughter's Eyes

The woman I wished I was
Kind, caring, full of grace
A heart of gold
Beautiful on the inside
Wishing I could be more than what I see
Stronger than I feel
But in my daughter's eyes I am everything I wished I was
A hero, a teacher, a beautiful soul
Nothing less than perfect
In their eyes I see myself the way they do
Unbroken and full of love
When I think I need to be rearranged
And regret over flows
Looking in their eyes every choice I have made
Has brought me to them
In this world full of nothing
I am some one's everything
I am the sun that their world revolves around
Everything I teach them
Reflects in the women they will one day be
I set examples the best I can
In my daughter's eyes I show them anything is possible
Even when I am unsure
I show them respect for others is important
But not to forget yourself
When I am tired and the days don't seem to end
I watch my children sleeping dreaming big dreams for them
I lean over and kiss their foreheads
And hope I've done my best

My tears are my weapons
In a world full of walls
I have built them to keep myself safe
And have become my own worst enemy
Kept alone in here I hide
I have fought for this right
Or so I thought
Maybe its more of a surrender
waving my white flag as I retreat
Giving into my fears
Trying anything to numb whats felt
I take and stuff it down
Creating another wall in my defense
But time always cracks it
Leaving me here open
I swear I'm not as fragile as I sound
At least I have tried to convince myself of this
Its not the worst thing to be
But I refuse in my hour of need
The hope must lay within
Somewhere inside
There must be something that drives me
While I wait expecting it to come
I quit, I give up
If it all rests on me things may never be the same
I am just tired and the road is long
There is no escape
The truth I must face
I have always turned the other cheek
Waiting for the other foot to fall
I manage to crawl out from under it all these years
But today is an exception
My mind has been exhausted
And feels like hiding here
I stay hoping for the strength to get through another day

Summer's End

Tides rise and fall
Reminds me of you and I
The sand still has traces of warmth
Mental pictures of days past
Bring smiles to me
Yearning to relieve those times
Moments where I could hardly breathe
standing there beside you
I trembled  at the very thought
So caught up in your scent
Afraid to face you
You invaded every thought
My heart beating as loud as a drum
Terrified I would be spotted
That you would see all that I held within
I remember the day we first met
The summer heat it was so intense
But your skin still cool as ice
Your voice instantly hypnotized me
Never met another soul so deeply connected to mine
Through my eyes you could see yourself
And for once I needed someone
Consumed by you
But like summer everything must come to an end
I wouldn't trade my heartbreak for never meeting you
So I will sit here watching the sun set
Feeling the warmth on my face bringing you back to me
If only for a moment
And then release you again
Memories bad or good make us who we are
You've given a hand in building this person who is here today
Coolness is all that remains as the sun is gone
I open my eyes expecting to see my past
But staring out into darkness, I see a clean slate
I am finally seeing my future

Inside

Who do you see when looking at me
The person I desperately try to hide
Somehow I have painted my insides back
Containing myself there
The darkness has invaded every cell
Would you still love me if you knew my truth
That I crawl in my skin
The pain has permeated my heart
Love no longer lays there
Its been replaced by the darkness too
I'm stuck in this place there is no way out
I can't seem to dig myself out of this mess
Instead I dig deeper in
And feel no hope
My words lay flat
This silence I embrace
Frost leaves traces on my lips
Racing thoughts
No light in all this darkness
I find comfort being here alone
No one to expose my secrets
They say I need to snap out of this
It easier said then done
When all  I feel like doing is letting go
Slipping further into myself
Please do not pull me out
I'm seeking shelter here
The only place I have ever known
Maybe its all just in my head
Call me crazy
Label me if you must
If this helps you to cope
But I will retreat
This smile I wear is all fake
but it makes you all happy to see
So I will pretend to be anything but me

Release

desperately seeking the answers
The world holds back for no one
And I am not an exception
Tear me down build me up
Disposable like a paper cup
Laughter and pain
They seem to be so much the same
Faking this seems so unfair
Watching you to act like you no longer care
Cables and wires connect us
like we've been made into a machine
Your words cut like a warm knife through butter
And I can't take this no longer
I stand up to fight but there is no need
You've pushed the buttons to release me
I do not feel the need to justify my behavior
In my eyes I have become a stranger
I no longer know this person in the mirror
Inspiration found out of desperation
The insanity runs wild
The static takes over
Ruining everything that went before
Smashing whats to come
The course seems never ending
And the I'm sick of pretending.......

Another place another time
I just can't seem to keep up with myself
Racing at a steady pace
There is always something
So tired of playing pretend
I just can't keep up
I fall behind
Disappointment again
I believed in myself
Foolish mistake
I am worried about the things that I can't change
Dreamless sleep
Giving up the things I have wished for
The wonders I have yet to complete
I give up and start again
A new day a new hope
Lost and left figuring this out
Not really sure where to go from here
Stuck in the middle trying to cross over
Trying to make the switch to the person I wish to be
Even though this has always been me
Afraid to show that glimmer of hope
Let down my friend, left alone again
There has to be a voice of reason
I've always rested on the borderline
The world moves on while I'm worried I'll be left behind
Quickly sinking this boat I must abandon
There must be a higher reason
I am just to busy to see
Worried for my own well being
Concerns go unnoticed
But I push on anyways
Hoping my hard work will pay off
Just another face in a drowning sea
Mixed emotion, words fail me now
I'm crushed beyond fixing
I have put my own needs on hold
And it has left me Drifting
Its all in the waves
Darkness rests on the horizon
Skies furry opens upon us
Further I go
Hoping for an island
Wishing for a savior
The lightening exposes the vastness that surrounds

Casting shadows on the wall
creating something out of nothing
It all started with a kiss
And somehow has lead to this
Pulling my insides out
Trying to prove there is a heart that beats
I may push you away
My words may seem cold
My tongue like ice
But I've been forever waiting
On a man like you to melt into me
To bring me to life
I've always been a loner
I can't express why
And with you I can no longer hide
Bringing light to the shadows
They have haunted me
For so long I have been alone
Always on my own
Finding someone like you
to fill those empty spaces
Brings new meaning
Makes me feel so alive
I smile when I hear your name
Your voice like a song
Its crazy to have come this far
Leaving that unknown person
The person who is the former me
I burst through my shell
I'm never going to imprison myself again
I have finally been given the courage
To not settle, to be happy
That's the way I feel when I am with you

Pacing these floors
Walls closing in
Forgotten time
Where have you been
Restless, tired, unable to sleep
Minutes to hours seem to slip
I question myself
taking more than I can give
Broken all these years
No one understands
I realize I stand alone
Caring takes to much
I move a little closer
Hoping to feel your heat
Maybe to feel anything at all
But you pull away leaving me cold
Leaving me on my own
I choke on my words
Pain burning holes through me
The happiness seeps out
Leaving me empty
What do you have to say
Now that you've drop this weight
I can not longer escape my loneliness
It confronts me
Drifting into madness
You have become so relentless
Picking me apart
Giving me no direction
Lacking motivation
Wishing to wash me clean
I know there was a time
A place that we would lay without a fight
Time grows further between us
I keep tripping over these foolish things
I thought you could change a thousand times
Maybe you did and I didn't
stuck in the past
Frozen in those moments that hurt me most
For every 20 good moments it may erase one bad
But who's counting?
I wish I could just forget all about it
So there is no excuse for your absence
While I am here needing you
Pull me out of this darkness
Just set me free before I unravel
Before I'm nothing but a string